All over the shop

as you would say. I loved seeing you today, even for a short time.

Normally I'd head straight to bed following a night out, and by night out I don't mean I became super social and went to town and such, although I have just been to a bit of a house party. I have that horrible ability to over-think EVERYTHING. And analyse. And criticise... My normal way of shutting my brain off is to sleep. Hence there don't tend to be post night FB status' or blogs.

Well, here's to change. I'm going to rant about my head feeling all over the shop and then hopefully sleep with a few less musings clouding my dreams. John Mayer is going to accompany me as I attempt to explain a little of my current situation. Be prepared, I'll keep it as cheerful as possible.

When I chose to spend another year in Bournemouth, it wasn't without a fair few concerns, the odd voiced worry from friends and a whole heap of fear. I'd spent the previous year absolutely adamant that I would be any where than Bournemouth, and not that I don't love this little seaside town, but it is just that, a small, seaside town...and it's not quite what I want.

Imagine my shock when God said to stay. Imagine my further shock when my adamant no, was a pretty satisfied, yeah okay... I can't take credit for that one, and it was definitely a miracle. In the process God restored a few things that had made me pretty miserable, and so that definitely helped.

The past few months have been a whirl wind of events, new people, theology, lack of sleep, challenges, beautiful moments and lots of laughter. It's been amazing, I know it's exactly what I needed and this is where I'm meant to be. Don't get me wrong, I can without a doubt see the HUGE positives.

But here comes the frustration. I'm one of those stupid people who has the ability to adapt to most situations, I'm good at observation and at camouflage so tend to blend in (hence the fear of being a boring person! Laugh all you like, it's totally true.) This camouflage fandango is in some ways great, in some ways it's really not. Every so often I have a bit of a crisis of personality and forget who I am, or worry too much about what people think.

Before you switch off and call the ambulance, I am aware that occasionally when I spill my thoughts, it does sound like I need my head examined. Hopefully things will come together in a second.

The past few months have been so busy that I've not really spent a lot of time pondering myself...I've pondered a fair few other things, but not me, quite so much. With things a little quieter, me a little tireder and life a little bit more messy, I find myself in a bit of a pickle.

I'm here for another 10 months. I am amazingly excited and I know there will be so many highlights.
Simultaneously I want to run a billion miles and travel the world. All the old fears resurface, and although things are definitely not the same, it's hard to feel that I'm not moving on or doing things at the same pace as some of my closest friends.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, and in need of a slap with a wet fish, I know I need to get my head right. There is a time and a place for all things, and my place is here, and the time is now. I am happy, but occasionally I just get that odd twinge of doubt.

A good christmas present would be a doubt squisher. Or a twinge destroyer. So, if you're stuck for ideas, you've got some planning to do.

Anyway, hopefully after some sleep, a cuddle with my cat and church tomorrow I'll be back to normal. Whatever that is.

Much Love Chums.
xxx



PS - tonight someone applied a tiger tattoo to my hand. It's so I could do tiger puppet by opening my thumb and first finger. I'll leave you to imagine. It's made my evening. x